I Would Be Going To Listen To The Saxophone In The Park

Rant

It's been an age since I cribbed about the abuse of English. Maybe I'm an older, kinder, wiser, more forgiving man now. More likely I'm just a lazy bastard. To compensate for this horrifying neglect of language rants, I present the misuse of the word "would" as the #1 candidate for Most Misused Word in Indlish.

The thing is, "would" can be used correctly in many contexts. As far as I can tell, there is only one egregious goof; unfortunately it has permeated the qaayanaat, somewhat in the manner that the arterial blood of the next person who, in my presence, screws up "would" would permeate his/her clothes.

There, I've done it. Alea iacta est. Using "would" to talk about things that WILL happen in the future, ay there's the rub. "I would be coming to your house tomorrow." And I WILL detach your goolies from you and play ping pong with them. [I'm not sure what goolies are, don't ask. Everyone has them. They're inside you. And getting them out involves the supreme pleasure of punching through your flesh with my talons and ripping them out, as you would look on, somewhat surprised and puzzled. This is all before the excruciating pain starts, of course.]

This Darth Vader of "woulds" shows up in all kinds of places, I can't pinpoint the rule which makes it incorrect, but I'm pretty damn sure that it's wrong when I hear/read it. Apparently, lesser minds than mine have given some thought to this. The British Council, for example. Englishpage.com has an excellent matrix where they nicely docket "would" and "wouldn't" into pockets.

[The #2 candidate for godawful desi officialese is "revert". But for that rant you'll have to wait for me to revert back to you.]

Saxophone in the Park

It is kind of nice that on a cool-ish January evening, I can walk out of my house, past several T-junction pillayars, to a park, buy a plate of porotta with pepper chicken, and listen to the dolorous notes of a saxophone singing Carnatic. Thanks, Chennai Sangamam.

Of course, lots of kacheri type fraud taaLam putting maamas and maamis were frowning away at all the decadent non-veg eating happening till their brows seemed to be frozen in that knotted fashion, but who cares? It was hard to decide whether the pepper chicken was more satisfactory, or the sax. I do wish they allowed some Mallu joint to put up a beef fry stall, that would be delicious in all respects! Through all this, some of the evening-park-circumambulating maamas continued the good work, and could be seen rotating around the whole scene like so many planetoids.

Candy floss for dessert!

French Puppets

This Sangamam thing just gets better and better. Today they had French "puppets". 8 giant (30 ft.+) giraffes, made of some silken fabric thing, manipulated from below by 2 fellows each, a woman all tarted up and singing arias while lashing out with a whip at a hapless and yet simultaneously scary clown! All this on a street named Venkatnarayana Rd.!! They paraded down the street, went into a park, did some time pass there (fiery hoops were involved) and then finally played 'Mustafa Mustafa' and the giraffes and the gathered throng danced together, while the clown and the woman rode their respective giraffes. Surreal, and smashing! Chennai Sangamam rocks!! Photos in the papers tomorrow, hopefully.

Clearance Sale - Mylapore

Friends are moving. See below if you're in Chennai and want to pick up any of the below.

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I am moving from Chennai to Mumbai in the next 3 weeks. In that context, we are planning to sell off a few items from here before we go. If interested please email me at choultry [AT] gmail [DOT] com

Moving Sale (All items to go by Feb 1 2010) - Mylapore, Chennai

Please also find below the list of products and expected prices. Most of the items (all except Maruti Swift) are only about 1.5 years old and each equipment in fine working order.

List of items: (Please go to link above for details)

Red Maruti Swift Vxi, 26000 KM run: Rs 3.25 lakhs
Honda Activa (1.5 years old): Rs 35000
LG 2 tonne Split A/C: Rs 20,000
LG 1 tonne Split A/C: Rs 10,000
Whirlpool Fridge (6th Sense, 250L): Rs 12500
Cane Furniture with jhoola: ~ Rs 10,000 (Can discuss if you need individual pieces)
Whirlpool Washing Machine (6th Sense, 6.5 litres): Rs 10,000
2 large King sized beds: Rs 10,000 each (only the cot, not the mattress)
Shoe Rack: Rs 2000
Rotating TV Stand with rollers (ideal for large drawing/study rooms): Rs 4000
Metallic Study Chair: Rs 750

Publius Trivius Vigneshwasaurus

Every few days or so, I go walkabout around T. Nahar to see that which is to be seen and learn that which is to be learned. The other day, one train of thought came, on Platform No. 3.

Anyone who knows Madras knows that at all T junctions, there will be a small shrine to Pillayar a.k.a Vinaayakudu, Ganapati, Vighneshwara, Vishwaksena (depending on geography, caste etc.) The P. man will be facing directly down the stem of the T. It's not clear why this practice started. One side-splitting internet explanation goes like so:

The figure of lord ganesh is a auspicious figure which is full of cosmic energy. The figure of lord ganesha has got wave length equal to the wave length of T- Junction the T- Junction in front of a main entry of a building is inauspicious and it obstruct the flow off energy in a building. Hence to rectify the negative impacts of T - Junction the figure of lord ganesha should be placed at the main entry.

So the dude has a "wave length" now? I suppose if I lived on a T junction street I could say "Ganapati and me understand each other completely, we are on the same wavelength, I say."

Anyway, the other explanation I've heard is that he's put facing the stem of the T so that he can ward off any Trouble that comes hurtling straight towards the house. Very curious. Apparently, Trouble is capable of charging down streets in the manner of a cavalry division, but hasn't quite figured out how to turn corners.

Now T. Nagar is chock-a-block full of these quaint little shrines. Each of them is scrupulously maintained. There's fresh flowers usually, a lamp, various condiments pasted on the stone etc. There also seems to be a small-ish army of motorcycle riding priests who dart around (from Pillayar to post, as it were) servicing these temples.

Here begins the Paranoid Conspiracy Theory. In some distant past, when they were doing the town planning for T. Nagar, did some cabal of pujaris strike a deal with the powers that be? Did the powers that be draw the map so that T. Nagar got more than its fair share of T junctions? Is the very name T. Nagar a code word for T Junction Nagar? Were quantities of karpooram handed over from priestly hands to the civic authorities in those days of yore? Do the descendants of those enterprising priests pay off their municipality counterparts even today? Are illicit and illegal massively parallel chantings of the Vishnu Sahasranaamam available to the elected ward council members? Am I insane? (This one we know the answer to.)

Other random points in respect of the jolly god of trivia:

1. At what point does a Ganesha become necessary at a 3-way junction? In other words, when is a T junction truly a T junction? At what limiting value of θ, where θ is the (acute) angle between the stem and the cross of the T?
2. There are a couple of places where the 3 streets meet at 120 degrees in respect of each other, like the Mercedes logo, as opposed to T. Here, the conservative builders of houses have, bless their souls, in some cases installed 3 statues! A Holy Mexican Standoff! These Vinaayakas are surely overtaxed. Imagine having to switch constantly between 2 streets while looking out for Trouble. Anything could happen.

On New Year's Day I...

• Drank


• Danced (using a very very generous interpretation of the word "dance")


• Wrote a little bit


• Slept well


• Made breakfast at home


• Was driven in a car...


• ...to a delicious home-made lunch


• Watched a little TV


• Took a train...


• ...to Mambalam and drank filter coffee in Pondy Bazaar


• Got some work done


• Took a bus...


• ...to a katcheri...


• ...and into the bargain discovered what seems to be a rather nice temple


• Contrary to default behaviour, took the initiative to catch up with friends and older friends, rendezvouses have been planned


• Took a share auto...


• ...and bought a biryani


• Read a little bit...


• ...and went to bed at a civilized hour.

On the whole, a highly satisfactory day. There are 3 VERY IMPORTANT and very pleasurable things I did not do yesterday, but on balance, all is well.

On the katcheri

Despite many promises to myself and others, I only managed to go to 2 performances (and more importantly 0 caterers) the whole month. Viral fever, trip home and so on more or less became eastern Iberians in the machinery. The concerts I did manage to go to were rather nice. The first was Sanjay Subhramanyam in a cavernous and freezing auditorium, but a most enjoyable concert. I am definitely more partial to Carnatic vocal than instrumental, so this was a good one to go to. Although, I have it from unimpeachable sources that 2 hours before the concert, the artist was doing Farmville updates on his Facebook profile, which makes the whole experience fluctuate between charming and disturbing.

The Ramani concert was a more intimate affair, a small-ish hall next to the temple tank. The performance was superb, even to Philistine ears. The violinist also sounded like a very manodharmam, paddhati, thirukuzhikundram sort of fellow. Enjoyed the whole thing thoroughly. The vennai on the pongal, as it were, was a speech by one sabha organizing mama that punctuated the performance. "Andha Todi! Enna Todi!! Onnume vidaame oru Todi!!! Todi si bewafaai..." and so on. Just scintillating.

Part of the concert paisa vasool is, of course, watching audience maamas and maamis putting taaLam. I have spawned a theory, bear with me.

Personally, I find it impossible to listen to both the main performer and the percussionists at the same time. If I start foot-tapping with mridangam, I can't pay attention to the other fellows, and vice versa. This reminds me rather of the time that my sister tried to measure my pulse rate, and thereby hangs a tale. And honestly, I suspect that the audience M&Ms (multi-coloured as they are in pattu podavais and angavastrams) are in the same boat :P It just comes us an utter surprise to me and the candies when on some downward foot-tap, some momentous conclusion occurs on stage, and we're all very thrilled with each other and much mutual pleasurable beaming occurs.

Usually, I end up scouting the neighbourhood to see if there is a competent and authoritative looking taaLam putter, and try to copy-paste her gestures. Once in a while, I will lose my count, but will catch up sooner or later. Unfortunately, ever so often, I end up picking some number which is mutually prime with the actual beat, and will only catch up after 17x8 beats. Ah well....

Finally, the audience demands the sabhas next year that the promising artiste on the tanpura yesterday become a feature during the season!