Dearest One

In which we write a letter

This was in the inbox today. Normally don't pay attention, but aaj mood aa gaya. From Mike:

Dearest One (WTF)

My name is Mike Dennis Keita from Cote D'Ivoire. I am 19 years old and a student. Please I would like you to assist me as urgent as you can,before they kill me.My father is a wealthy cocoa merchant.Trouble began early last two year when my father's associates began suspecting that my father is not givingn proper accounts of all the tonnes of cocoa being cultivated by local farmersn in some villages.

This mistrust deepens between Oct-Sept, 2005 when they discovered avery large some of money my father deposited with a Bank here in ABIDJAN-COTE D'IVOIRE (FORMALLY (WTF) IVORY COAST in West Africa. As a result of this discovery and the envy on the money he was poisioned by his associates.At his hospital bed ,he revealed to me the reasons of his sickness and directed me where to get the documents of the said deposit which he made on my name as the next of kin,being the only child.

He dvised me that in case he die, that I should not stay in this country Cote D'Ivoire because his associates will equally kill me hence (WTF) my mother had died five years ago of breast cancer.

He also instructed that if he dies, I should look for a foreign partner who will help me to transfer the money out of this place (Abidjan Cote d'Ivoire), to his account and the person will help me to invest the money in that country. Based on this, I had to contact you bearing in mind that you will be humane enough to protect my life. My father finally died on the 5th of june,2006 and since then, I was out of school and went into hiding because of my father's asociates. All the relevant documents of the ($8.2 Million United States Dollars) that was deposited in a Commercial Bank by my late father, are with me now.

I will give you 20% of the total money, if you can help me transferring it into your Account, for onward investment in your country. Please contact me immediately with the above E-mail address and include your telephone and Fax numbers to enable me send you all necessary documents asregards the money before they kill me. It is a risk free transaction.(WTF)

I'm waiting for your urgent reply.
Best regards.sincerely,
Mike Dennis Keita.

The following reply was composed extempore. Should we send it?

Respected Sir (or Madam, as the case may be)

I humbly beg to introduce myself Pulusu Cheepurupulla Vengayam Sambar Pappu, from Kankipadu, ye small villaize in East Godavari District., India. I am 31 years old and a loser. Please I would like you to assist me as urgent as you can, before they kill castrate me. One of my close relative, namely my uncle's brother on my mamaiah's daughter's chittappa's chachehre bhai's side is a coconut farmer. Trouble began late last year when my close relative's goolies began suspecting that he is not giving proper counts of all the shenanigans that their "master" was up to, including but not limited to the local livestock in some villaizes.

This hanky panky deepens between 3:37 and 3:43 p.m. of Oct 23, 2007 when they discovered a very large bum of honey he deposited with a Bank here in RAJAHMUNDHRY (FORMALLY RAJAMAHENDRAVARAM) next door to backside of VIJAYAWADA (FORMALLY BEZWADA) in South South East India. Then shtarted struggle! Why? As a result of this discovery and the envy on the honey he was poisioned castrated by his goolies. At his hospital, he revealed to me the reasons of his high pitchedness and directed me where to get the chastitty belt of the the deposit of the said goolies which he made on my name as the next of kin, being the only other dumbass he knew.

He devised me that in case he reach G#, that I should not stay in this country India because Alka Yagnik is already there for those notes and the people will surely kill me hence my mother is a giraffe from Tristan da Cunha with a side of ulli chammandi.

He also instructed me that if he dies, I should look for a foreign partner who will help me to transfer the honey out of this place (Rajahmundhry), to his account the person will help me to invest the honey in that country. Based on this, I had to contact you bearing in mind that you will be humane enough to protect my life. He finally (finally!) died yesterday because his face happened to be under a pillow I was sitting on, I was out of the asylum and went into Chilakaluripeta because of his goolies. All the relevant documents of the (4.7 Million Konaseema Coconuts) that was deposited in a Commercial Bank by my late relative, are with me now.

I will give you 20% of the total honey, if you can help me transferring it into your Account, for onward plantation in your country. Please contact me immediately at choultry AT gmail DOT com and include your name, address, date of birth, mother's maiden name, social security number, first pet's name, first school's name, ATM card number, bank account number, ATM PIN code, credit card number, online bank transaction PIN, numbers of any hot chicks you happen to know, and your telephone and fax numbers to enable me send you all necessary coconuts one at a time before they kill me.

It is a risk free transaction.

I'm waiting for your urzent reply,

Best regards,

Sincerely,

Your obedient servant,

PCVS Pappu


Connoisseurs will recognize shades of Money (YouTube video).

PS1 No, we don't know what goolies are.
PS2 No, there are no giraffes in Tristan da Cunha.