Thursday, April 24, 2008

Dearest One

In which we write a letter

This was in the inbox today. Normally don't pay attention, but aaj mood aa gaya. From Mike:

Dearest One (WTF)

My name is Mike Dennis Keita from Cote D'Ivoire. I am 19 years old and a student. Please I would like you to assist me as urgent as you can,before they kill me.My father is a wealthy cocoa merchant.Trouble began early last two year when my father's associates began suspecting that my father is not givingn proper accounts of all the tonnes of cocoa being cultivated by local farmersn in some villages.

This mistrust deepens between Oct-Sept, 2005 when they discovered avery large some of money my father deposited with a Bank here in ABIDJAN-COTE D'IVOIRE (FORMALLY (WTF) IVORY COAST in West Africa. As a result of this discovery and the envy on the money he was poisioned by his associates.At his hospital bed ,he revealed to me the reasons of his sickness and directed me where to get the documents of the said deposit which he made on my name as the next of kin,being the only child.

He dvised me that in case he die, that I should not stay in this country Cote D'Ivoire because his associates will equally kill me hence (WTF) my mother had died five years ago of breast cancer.

He also instructed that if he dies, I should look for a foreign partner who will help me to transfer the money out of this place (Abidjan Cote d'Ivoire), to his account and the person will help me to invest the money in that country. Based on this, I had to contact you bearing in mind that you will be humane enough to protect my life. My father finally died on the 5th of june,2006 and since then, I was out of school and went into hiding because of my father's asociates. All the relevant documents of the ($8.2 Million United States Dollars) that was deposited in a Commercial Bank by my late father, are with me now.

I will give you 20% of the total money, if you can help me transferring it into your Account, for onward investment in your country. Please contact me immediately with the above E-mail address and include your telephone and Fax numbers to enable me send you all necessary documents asregards the money before they kill me. It is a risk free transaction.(WTF)

I'm waiting for your urgent reply.
Best regards.sincerely,
Mike Dennis Keita.


The following reply was composed extempore. Should we send it?

Respected Sir (or Madam, as the case may be)

I humbly beg to introduce myself Pulusu Cheepurupulla Vengayam Sambar Pappu, from Kankipadu, ye small villaize in East Godavari District., India. I am 31 years old and a loser. Please I would like you to assist me as urgent as you can, before they kill castrate me. One of my close relative, namely my uncle's brother on my
mamaiah's daughter's chittappa's chachehre bhai's side is a coconut farmer. Trouble began late last year when my close relative's goolies began suspecting that he is not giving proper counts of all the shenanigans that their "master" was up to, including but not limited to the local livestock in some villaizes.

This hanky panky deepens between 3:37 and 3:43 p.m. of Oct 23, 2007 when they discovered a very large bum of honey he deposited with a Bank here in RAJAHMUNDHRY (FORMALLY RAJAMAHENDRAVARAM) next door to backside of VIJAYAWADA (FORMALLY BEZWADA) in South South East India. Then shtarted struggle! Why? As a result of this discovery and the envy on the honey he was poisioned castrated by his goolies. At his hospital, he revealed to me the reasons of his high pitchedness and directed me where to get the chastitty belt of the the deposit of the said goolies which he made on my name as the next of kin, being the only other dumbass he knew.

He devised me that in case he reach G#, that I should not stay in this country India because Alka Yagnik is already there for those notes and the people will surely kill me hence my mother is a giraffe from Tristan da Cunha with a side of
ulli chammandi.

He also instructed me that if he dies, I should look for a foreign partner who will help me to transfer the honey out of this place (Rajahmundhry), to his account the person will help me to invest the honey in that country. Based on this, I had to contact you bearing in mind that you will be humane enough to protect my life. He finally (finally!) died yesterday because his face happened to be under a pillow I was sitting on, I was out of the asylum and went into Chilakaluripeta because of his goolies. All the relevant documents of the (4.7 Million Konaseema Coconuts) that was deposited in a Commercial Bank by my late relative, are with me now.

I will give you 20% of the total honey, if you can help me transferring it into your Account, for onward plantation in your country. Please contact me immediately at choultry AT gmail DOT com and include your name, address, date of birth, mother's maiden name, social security number, first pet's name, first school's name, ATM card number, bank account number, ATM PIN code, credit card number, online bank transaction PIN, numbers of any hot chicks you happen to know, and your telephone and fax numbers to enable me send you all necessary coconuts one at a time before they kill me.

It is a risk free transaction.

I'm waiting for your urzent reply,

Best regards,

Sincerely,

Your obedient servant,

PCVS Pappu


Connoisseurs will recognize shades of Money (YouTube video).

PS1 No, we don't know what goolies are.
PS2 No, there are no giraffes in Tristan da Cunha.

20 comments:

Yamini said...

Awesome! Really. Haven't read something so enjoyable in a long time.

TeofKap said...

The Enlightened One says you should send it along with a coconut (or parachute oil) and a map of South South East India identifying the eggjact location of your villaize.

Hopefully there won't be anymore languaze prablem.

Bhadram. Be careful about the chicks.

--TeofKap

Anonymous said...

Then stahrted struggle...:)

- wisecandyman

kbpm said...

hilarious. can i forward my emails to your account so you can suitably modify this coconuts reply and humanely send it to relevant parties.

gaze at the gauge.

ulli chammandi! it does not typically contain coconut right?

Shweta said...

Wanderfool! But tell do, what this ulli chammandi is being?

blackmamba said...

Mr.Pappu, that is very moving.

Haven't been moved thus since ZeFrank's 2004 TED Talk :)

kbpm said...

ull chammandi is onion chutney. I think you take onions, grind in mixie with chillies, saute with kilo loads of oil & the usual jeera etc. and eat it with Dosai. or Pappu Mammam as the case may be. Ludwig, would of course be an expert on this, probably makes sandwiches containing this pungent thing.

Ludwig said...

[yamini] thank ye kindly. although this was written in a tearing hurry and is therefore very imperfect ;) could've done a more polished job.

[nitwit] touche. i hear ya about the chicks, mon.

[wisecandyman] ah, you're also one of the connoisseurs, i forgot! then shtarted shtruggle! why? views same, tastes same, rules framed!

[kenny] glad you enzoyed. will send customijed responses to such emails for a fee (not in coconuts).

> gaze at the gauge.

the full aphorism is, of course, "if you gaje at the dial gaze, you will see that the reading is neglizible but not jero."

u.c. does not contain c., as far as we know. but i think there's no canonical u.c., who's to judge us if we throw in some coconuts here and there? let ye who have never put coconut in non-ulli chammandis cast the first coconut.

[shweta] hello strangeling, long time. u.c.? see kenny's reply. more or less covers it.

[blackmamba] *sniff* *sniff* almost as moving as the title sequence of Chariots of Fire. *sniff* what be this talk, needst check.

[kenny ii - the return - she's back, and this time she's pissed off!] spot on. snide asides re my sandwiches and tzaziki notwithstanding.

this u.c. has caused much confusion. it was merely meant to be a random non sequitir thing.

Sudhir pai said...

A reply to your mail from George Dubya Bush Jr.

Dear Pappu,

What do you take me to be? A fool?

I'd already wired $150,000 to help a woman in Nigeria as an investment for our elections, another from cote'd ivory has spammed my mailbox now what do you promise? how do I trust you not to be a spam bot? If you're a human, please send me a hug on facebook. we'll take it forward from there.

csm said...

...I had to contact you bearing in mind that you will be humane enough to protect my voice...

Aparna said...

I haven't laughed this much since my Saras days! Quite funny. Why dont you mail to Saras97 first? That e-mail group seems to have gone to Antarctica. See if this revives it.

Yes, send this mail. Maybe send it from some e-mail address you dont care about...

Ludwig said...

[dubya] i lau you. hugs.

[csm] ya, right.

[aparna] and who might you be, jumping out of the woodwork like this? with a name like Aparna, i definitely have to wonder if you're from Saras.

re: sending it to the list, it isn't that hifunda also, certainly not enough for self dabba.

bobo said...

heh, them fraudsters are getting creative - should give 'em credit for that.

in a different universe, i think that letter could well be the start to a Coen Bros. flick. :)

Opaline said...

Like this sticker I saw on facebook that has a man holding a sign saying "Family kidnapped by ninjas. Need $$$ for karate lessons."

Rakesh said...

Watta f*&^ was that! Machi, you just wrote out my heart's deepest darkest fantasy. With a strong Zoudh Indian touch, of course. But nobbad ad awl! You are actually getting somewhere now ... slow, unsteady too, but somewhere.

Way to go!

Ludwig said...

[bobo] heh. i will pass on to messrs. coen & coen. have started receiving even weirder Dearest Ones, from England no less...

[srini] yok yok chuckle chuckle

[rakesh] thank you, machi. glad it impressed. next time do chaar gaali galoch extra daalke bhejtoo. jaa be s.

Deski said...

Don't make fun of honest ivory coasters.

aandthirtyeights said...

Too funny! Just to spice up the email, you could attach the incomparable "What is Mobile Number?" song. It covers most questions...

Ludwig said...

[deski] wait, don't tell me the Do No Evil empire is sucking up to Ivory Coaster also!

[aandthirtyeights] glad you yensaaid.

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